While in Pennsylvania for my friend's 40th birthday weekend,
we hiked up the mountain one day together right before sunset.
I didn't know that the physical climb up that mountain would be symbolic of a spiritual climb I'd have later.
Later, as in, as soon as I got back to Orlando.
Timing is everything...
It's a situation that takes me back to childhood.
It forces me to think about times that were hard to live through.
It begs me to forgive even though I haven't been asked to forgive.
It brings up all of those same feelings of being out of control that make me wanna fight for any I can find.
It erupts enormous amounts of hurt that leave me feeling more of a five year old than a 37 year old.
I feel vulnerable and weak.
It's hard to remember unpleasant times from childhood.
The anxiety that came with these circumstances is nothing I ever want my own children to feel.
{Lord, help me to peel back one more layer of hurt to come into more wholeness}
It's so easy to believe that healing comes when the people that hurt us ask for forgiveness.
But, the truth is, we can be okay whether they ask us to forgive them or not.
{Lord, continue to apply this truth to my heart...there is no satisfaction in head knowledge alone.}
The tendency with feeling out of control is to fight for any amount you can find.
I've worked so hard to release that part of me that seeks to protect myself with control.
{Lord, help me to trust that you are in control and that you are not caught off guard by this.}
It was a long hike up that mountain.
There was a deep burning sensation in my heart and legs most of the way.
But, I never doubted if I'd make it to the top.
I knew I would.
Imagine the surprise when we reached the top to find this beautiful cross.
It made that climb worth it.
I have thanked God so many times over the past week for that mountain and for the cross at the top.
It has been just the reminder that I have needed as I have climbed this spiritual mountain.
...that He is with us. always.
...even when we can't feel him or see Him at work on our behalf.
Faith is being sure of what is unseen; not what is seen.
If I'm being honest, I wanted to work through all of this in my heart before I shared it with you.
Vulnerability creeps in and tries so hard to keep me from being authentic.
1 Corinthians 12 assures me that God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses.
His power rests on me in those vulnerable, hard places.
And so I share with you that it has been a hard week.
I'm facing again parts of my life that I thought were over..finished...complete...worked through.
The better part of my life was so the opposite of together.
Somewhere along the way, I learned to wear masks and not face the truth of my reality.
I put on my best smile and became the ultimate cheerleader in life.
It worked until it didn't work anymore.
God deserves the credit {glory} for what he makes whole.
And, he has made me whole in so many areas and wants to do a further work in this part of my heart.
His work requires me to be authentic, and so I will push through the uneasy feelings and be real with you
here at "between you & me"
in the hope that my story touches your story and becomes His story.
I'm climbing a spiritual mountain.
I have no idea when I'll reach the top.
I can't even see the top.
It's overwhelming.
But, I have no doubts that I'll make it.
I know that I will.
And, there will be the cross waiting for me.
{Thank you, Lord}
He takes the broken places in our lives and makes them new.
He takes the bitterness and makes it sweet.
He takes the destitute places in us and and brings hope.
He takes the ashes of our lives and makes beauty.
His unfailing love continues to give into our lives newness of life and wholeness.
