dang right hip and lower back. will this pain ever go away?
at first, i was so annoyed.
it's not like i can take a nap whenever i'd like.
today is a busy day.
kids wake up and need breakfast whether i sleep a full night or not.
there may be harsh words spoken before they can even get down the full flight of stairs.
and then the mothering will commence.
husband leaves early on sunday morning for church...staff gets there way before the rest of us do.
i get myself and the three kiddos fed and ready before the 9 am service.
almost forgot the dog. he gets walked and fed before we leave.
and, due to my mild ocd issue, the beds are made and the house is straightened before we leave.
trusting that one day i'll be able to leave a bed un-made and dishes in the sink. amen.
yeah. i need a full night's sleep.
me and sleep deprivation aren't friends at all.
and, everyone that lives with me will bear witness of this truth.
so, it makes sense that i came downstairs overwhelmed by my own bad attitude.
it reminded me of all the other days that my attitude has gotten the best of me.
before i realized it, i was falling downhill fast in my thought life.
no need for me to go into details about all of my bad attitudes, but just trust me,
i've had plenty in the past 7 months.
they come and go and unfortunately, these sweet people that live with me don't know when they're coming.
i'm usually real quick to say "i'm sorry!" and "will you forgive me for my bad attitude?"
everyone keeps telling me that i've got some excuses.
...still adjusting to our move.
...my chronic hip/back pain that really just never leaves for good.
...mothering all day everyday from sun-up til sun-down.
but, i just don't buy into the excuses.
i'm really tired of some of the bad habits i've let myself give over to.
pain or no pain. move or no move. mothering or not.
sharp tones. impatience. anger. frustration at the smallest things. i'm telling you, bad attitude.
some of us are really good at accepting grace...we can very easily wrap our minds around his gift.
others of us really struggle with accepting that there is nothing we can do to justify our place with him.
i'm sad to say that i typically fall into the latter category.
my first inclination is to feel completely responsible for my own sanctification...my own holiness.
is it just me? oh, i need someone to say they understand this struggle with grace that my flesh battles.
no need to psycho-analyze me.
i know exactly why i struggle the way i do.
it's the parts of my story that i've spent most of my life wishing i could re-write.
after all these years telling my story, i still cry at those parts.
for a long time i convinced myself it was because i was so grateful for his rescue and freedom.
and that certainly is some of the the "why" behind my tears.
but, over this past year, i've had to confess that the most sure reason i still cry is because
i just want those painful parts re-written.
he's teaching me to thankful for my story.
he's showing me that i see him more clearly in those broken places.
he's showing me my need to be grateful for all of it. every single part of my story.
i'm learning to go a little easier on myself.
to trust in his work in me, even on those days when my bad attitude seems to reign supreme..
it's in the broken places in our lives that we can see Him more clearly. it's true.
we depend on him more because we fully recognize how much we need him.
so, to bring this novel full circle, the severe pain that woke me up this morning...that wakes me up most mornings...is actually drawing me to him.
it's those places in my life that keep my eyes fixed on him.
is it weird to say i'm finally thankful for the messy parts of my life? this is a game changer!
enjoy one of my favorites from kari jobe!
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