Friday, September 20, 2013

It's a new season.


Change always turns me inside out.  Always.
I don't know why my reaction to it ever catches me by surprise because I always respond the same.
I don't do it well.  I like routine and structure and a plan.  I like things to stay the same.
But they never do because they weren't meant to.

I'm finding that change is one of God's most useful tools in my life; 
it surfaces who I really am in the worst & best ways.
Change is absolutely a major player in the game of life.
It so often is the catalyst needed to shake things up a bit and move me nearer to God and to my most authentic self.

However, I wish it weren't so uncomfortable.
It produces waves in my heart and mind that feel bigger than what I can handle.
And I almost always find myself fighting against it, at least in the beginning.
Let me tell you...fighting against it is exhausting because it's like walking up stream...against the current.

Sometimes change happens unexpectedly, and it throws your life into a total tailspin.
But sometimes change happens because you decide for it to, and that's the change I'm in right now.
My kids all went to school this year because we knew it was time and we decided for them to.

You'd think this would be the easiest kind of change to welcome.
After all, I'm back in the gym regularly and meeting college girls for coffee and having lunch dates with friends.
I'm planning meals and grocery shopping alone and washing sheets more often than ever.
I have more time to read the books I want to read.  I'm volunteering at Athens Pregnancy Center.
I'm able to visit my parents regularly and help my mom with her house.
I've been signing up for committees at the school and reading to Lydia's class every week.

I realized this week that I've been doing it again...
I've been walking upstream during these first 6 weeks of my kids being at school.
I've been busy and hardly at home.
I have filled up nearly every hour of every day, and it's just dawning on me that the busy'ness' has been me fighting.
...walking against the current.

I've been afraid to slow down because the feelings that have come with this new season are uncomfortable.
Being a mom has been my identity.  Homeschooling kept me occupied and busy.  It gave me purpose.
I've been a mom since I was 26, and now I'm 40.
What's next?  I have no idea...that's what has me feeling vulnerable.
I was hoping to stay busy until the next thing unfolded, but that's not the way it works. Bummer.
It's in the slowing down and the giving in that we are transformed.

Change isn't a function of life's cruelty but instead a function of God's graciousness.
                                                                                  -Shauna Niequist {Bittersweet}

I'm waving my white flag...surrendering my fight.
I'm gonna sit in the uncomfortable feelings and let them have their way in me.
I know that somewhere along the way, God will draw me closer to his heart and the next thing will unfold.
As weird as this season feels for me, I'm enjoying not having anything to put my identity in except him.

{thankful for}
791. cooler weather.
792. pumpkin spice candles.
793. time to breathe and think and pray and surrender.
794. my kids thriving in school and teachers who love them.
795. God's ability to perfect his power in my weakness and cluelessness and uncomfortableness.





12 comments:

  1. I still have a hard time adjusting to being an empty nester.....even though there are always children here and near. Sometimes I panic thinking I need to be home for the bus. Those feelings I guess are imbedded into us when we become a mom. But changes can be good. In time you adjust and go forward. (((((HUGS))))

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  2. Change IS hard. It is hard to get our identity in Christ, not from all the things we "do" and who society says we "are". Good for you for staying put. It is much easier to just get busier so there is no time to think!

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  3. Change.. it can be an ugly word!!!
    This has been a year of change for me(us). Our eldest got married and left home this May! What??!! PLUS the sweet young lady he married has a 5 year old. So, we gained a daughter ( we have 2 boys) and a grand daughter in one fell swoop.
    Our youngest is now working full time and starting on his BA degree in University.
    Change..... I too have filled my day so I don;t have to stop and contemplate.... but this week, I have just sat! Just been.. me and my tho9ughts. Hard... but it was necessary.
    Big hugs to you!!! I am 40+ and having to adjust!!
    Gee

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  4. I'm sure it is so hard to get used to the changes with the kids in school. You are really keeping busy with so many worthwhile projects -- good for you!

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  5. I have been thinking about you and wondering how things have been going. My kids have both been in school for years now, but every single school year I feel very awkward while I find my pace. It just takes time to find a new rhythm. A friend told me once, "You are still the same mother during the school year, your hours just change." Thanks for sharing you heart, I know I can relate.

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  6. "I have filled up nearly every hour of every day, and it's just dawning on me that the busy'ness' has been me fighting.
    ...walking against the current."

    Uh Yep. I'm actually facing this right this second. Today. I was unexpectedly housebound today with two semi-sick kiddos and I realized how little time I'm here. I want to do all these things- spend quality time with Jesus beyond my regular morning devos, plan and prepare nice meals, work out every day, etc. I have been so busy with my shop opening from the first day school hit that I'm honestly just sitting here confused. I have no idea what the routine should be... should there be a routine? I like structure. I do. I make lists and I cross them off but this might be the ONE and only phase of life that I get to actually be free in my mid days while kids are in school.. time to rest and prepare for what will come. I don't know. Just mulling it over myself way up here in NW Wa. Wish we could do it together over tea.

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  7. Even though I'm still home schooling, I can so relate to this. My youngest turns 5 this weekend and I'm feeling very insecure not having any more "littles." As dumb as it sounds, some of my identity has been from being able to have babies, nurture them, train them, etc. And now God's made it clear that's NOT His plan for me right now, and I feel a little lost. Because that has what has made me feel so fulfilled for over a decade. I only wish I had the time to sit quietly and think about what that means ;) But as you know, home schooling doesn't allow much time for clear thoughts... But reading this blog post reminded me. These changing season, I don't like them so much either, especially when it means closing the door on something that has brought me nothing but joy (and tiredness!).

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  8. I homeschooled my four children for twenty years. Five years ago when my two youngest decided to go to public H.S was when I entered that transition that I was not ready for, at all. I walked,prayed, and cried everyday all together for the first two years. But I knew not to busy myself. I knew I had to walk through that valley. It hurt. I missed them. But I learned how to surrender my will to His like never before. And for these past two years I have been abiding beside His still waters psalm 23. It is where He lead me. And I will remain until He leads me elsewhere. He has healed parts of me that I didn't know about. It is good. His love is our breath. My children have done so well in school. They are all honor students in college now. Except my oldest he is a carpenter like his Dad. You will find the beauty in your days...it may take time. Just listen and head His loving whisper and go,do,or just be where,what He leads.

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  9. "I'm gonna sit in the uncomfortable feelings and let them have their way in me." Oh friend...I have been thinking about this post a couple of days and I think it's that line that gets me. So tough. He is there with you!

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  10. This very much resonates with me. I do not like change but I also get bored easily and move on. So I am not sure if I like change or not. But when it comes to the holidays, I get so stressed out. I don't think I realized that it may be change. I too like routine and I think by the end of the summer, I am finally embracing slowing down, simple living, and then we get hit with the holidays. You have definitely given me something to think about as well as seek the Lord as to how to handle it. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your desire to surrender is encouraging. xo

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